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massive motor mayhem: the f100
nothing really prepares you for this.
you start it up, and the first thing that greets you is the ROAR. the second thing is the lopey idle. the third is the realization that, if it’s this loud now, how are you going to take 250 miles at 60mph?
yes, we bought carrie her f100 this weekend, and drove it home from Salem, OR. and it made it. so did i. (just barely).
it begins.
first off: yes, from a distance, the truck looks badass. for what it is, it’s pretty cool. “rat rod” tends to translate directly, however, to “don’t wanna do precision bodywork” and this truck is no exception. but – we didn’t pay for good bodywork, trust me.
as you get closer to the truck, it starts to go from badass to just bad. then closer still, and it starts to look like ass. it’s nothing we can’t fix. we were just happy to find a running Short WheelBase (SWB) automatic f100 locally for a reasonable price. (and the metal of the bed is beautiful!)
it’s ours!
after the money and title changed hands, i started her up. as i said before – it’s loud. no mufflers. (that’ll change). it has a 351 windsor V8, that’s having trouble keeping it’s oil and coolant from mixing (both with each other, and the environment.)
the truck is equipped with power steering and manual brakes. the power steering worked flawlessly, besides a slushly steering box. the manual brakes gave me a new admiration for fred flintstone. stopping is difficult enough, but keeping it still is where the challenge lies.
the truck is also equipped with a ford FMX automatic transmission. this is a three speed auto in which the first gear is very low (also sometimes called a “granny gear” for the speed at which it moves the truck). this gear provides a dramatic amount of torque from the motor for activities like pulling heavy things.
unfortunately that also means, if you wish to keep the truck motionless at a red light, you either need to shift out into neutral, or literally stand on the brake pedal with both feet. once on the highway, however, things change.
it’s moving!
since first gear is so low, it shifts out of first at a relatively slow speed (somewhere around 10mph). second lasts from 10 to 30 or so. this leaves – third. third goes from 30 to … as fast as the truck goes, or as fast/loud as you’re willing to drive it.
at around 60mph (70 on the dash… i trust the GPS unit more) it hits a drone which rattles you to your soul. it leaves just enough fidelity in your ears to enjoy the noise of the transmission, various rattles, squeaks, and the occasional thunk. if you roll the window down more than 2 inches, the smell of gasoline fills the cabin.
this is a visceral experience that tests all your senses; nevermind that your brain is busy worrying about “how much transmission fluid is left? will that head gasket hold out? if i blew a tire, how badly would i be damaged, rattling around inside a 5000lb steel box with only a lap belt holding me back against an 18 gallon fuel tank?”
it’s tempermental.
no time for that — your arms are busy flailing away sawing back and forth through the dead zone in the steering, to make minute adjustments as crosswinds batter this rather squarish vehicle and try to push it into whichever lane it wants to.
and when i actually DO want to change lanes, forget warning other drivers, or even seeing them — the turn signals don’t want to blink, plus one of the previous owners removed the side mirrors (for a “shaved” look). i found myself repeatedly staring at the rusted frame of the vent window wondering “shouldn’t there be something shiny on the outside? helps me see backwards, and to the left?”
it’s comfortable?
well, i’m not going that far. but it does contain various acoutrements to foster a pleasant driving experience. your backside? vinyl bench seat, with big squeaky springs which absorb at least a fraction of the bumpy stuff.
heat? lots of it! and you adjust it by rolling your window up or down (the knobs on the dash do nothing).
musical selections are limited to a sort of post-industrial noise-influenced techno. provided not by the radio, but by the mechanicals (as i said before – the cacophany of the machinery could easily be recorded to compact disc and marketed as an AFX vs. Coldcut collaboration EP).
it’s … home.
yes, i’m sure to quantifiable chagrin had by our neighbors, we rolled into the driveway around 7pm. i then followed up the trip by drinking enough Imperial IPA so that i lost feeling in various regions of my own face. the following day, it reluctantly went into the garage.
it begins again.
this is the beginning of a project. the first stage is complete; acquisition. the next stages will be: assessment, decisioning, replacement, restoration, tuning, and finishing.
do i know how to do all this? not right now. not by a longshot. but each day/week/year that passes, a bit more will be done. the next time it rolls out of the garage, it should be quieter and less drippy. then the next time, it should be running better and parts of it may be absent. then the next time – straighter. then the next time – shinier. and so on and so on.
stay tuned, we’re only getting started!